Getting Philosophical about Regret

Post #13: Kickin Back with my Substack Peeps

Hi all! So it’s now the 4th day into our Kickstarter and I thought I’d take a minute to kick back with you guys. I am writing Kickstarter updates but I don’t want to overwhelm the backers with too much to read, so here on Substack is where I can just write… well, whatever.

Before I start rambling, I’d like to ask for a favor? No pressure at all to back the Kickstarter… seriously. Times are tough and most of us don’t have extra bucks. No worries if that doesn’t work right now.

My favor is this…spreading the word about Dancing with Ghosts is my biggest challenge, so if you have the time and want to help me get this game made, posting on your social networks about my game would be really appreciated. If you’ve played the demo, and have time to leave a review on the Steam page, that would be nice too. And big big THANKS to all of you who have posted about it already and of course thanks to those of you who have backed the project.

Oh and if you haven’t already seen it, check out the number of shares and likes on this Dancing with Ghosts page in Thailand! It’s kinda crazy! Sooo many people in Thailand are over the moon about the game. My wife is hearing about it from her family as their friends are talking about it, so it’s really spreading around. That’s pretty cool. Sadly people in Thailand don’t generally have money to spend on Kickstarter campaigns, and the game is in English for now so… there is still a hill to climb.

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OK so on to my rambling. I was thinking it might be nice to talk a little bit about regret, self-blame, and um… well being kind to oneself. I’ve often thought that regret is, maybe more than anything else, the ‘soul killer’. We all have choices we’ve made, or things we’ve done that we regret. Sometimes those things can stay with us and haunt us. That’s what I mean by “soul killer”, because it can sap all of your strength and positive energy if your confidence is shot, and if you are hating yourself. It comes from choices in the past, and it’s nothing you can change, so it goes round and round inside of you. It doesn’t always come from specific choices or events… sometimes lack of self-love just comes from feeling not-worthwhile, maybe a lack of purpose, or simply feeling like you’re not special. Sorry guys, this got heavy really fast didn’t it.

Here is an observation, and I wonder if this is something that’s been part of your own life. If we stay in a place like this for long, where we’re blaming ourselves, or feeling worthless, we start to feel like we don’t deserve to be happy. We don’t put effort into being kind to ourselves, because we don’t want to forgive ourselves. It’s a hole that can be increasingly, and sometimes, impossibly hard to get out of because we are more and more powerless.

I hope this doesn’t seem preachy. Trust me, I’ve been there. There are few types of self-blame holes harder to get out of than a parent’s who has lost a child. I’ve seen this in the people around me that I love as well.

In Dancing with Ghosts, Mai starts out in the story like this. Feeling powerless, and lost. She says “like a zombie”, meaning dead on the inside, and it all comes from her feeling worthless from blaming herself.

In the game story I didn’t want to focus on this too much, because, true as it might be, it’s so dark and heavy it’s not something most of us want from games. So I bring the Ghost in pretty quickly, and I sort of suggest that Mai is considering ending her life at the river, but I don’t dwell on it too much. The thing I really want to focus on is the “coming out of the hole”. You know… the relief one feels, and the realization that “It’s actually OK to be alright”. It’s ok to give yourself permission to be happy.

In the game, Mai finds a way out of her hole because she finds a friend who cares about her and treats her with warmth. Even more importantly, she finds a friend who needs her help. Turning outward and helping someone else becomes the rope for Mai to grab, so she can climb out of her own hole of self-blame. Mai gets a purpose.

This might actually be a good place to share a song from the game with you. This is one of 5 songs that I wrote for the game that sort of chart Mai’s emotional arc. Each song has a key message, and this one is about self-forgiveness. The heart of this song resides in the moment when the sun shine’s in, after a long lonely darkness, and self-love comes back. It’s a moment of being unsure it’s ok, followed by tremendous relief, and it’s one where tears come pouring out because of that letting-go of self-hate, and feeling like “yourself” again.

As always, Genevieve Goings does a lovely job of capturing the feelings of the song (Thank you Gen!)

Is it OK to be alright (Lyrics)

Days go past

A dirty river flowin

I wander round

Don’t know where I’m goin

I don’t know

If I should even be here

Maybe I’ll jump

And I’ll.. disappear

A Ray of Sun

in a stormy sky

You’re next to me

And I don’t know why

Are you real

Are you really there

Or am I crazy…

I don’t care

Is it Ok to be alright

Is it Ok to have a friend

Is it ok to like myself

…to be myself again, be myself again.

———

Days go past

A dirty river flowin

Can someone tell me

Where I’m goin

I feel so lost

I try to look OK

Nothing matters

Anyway

You’re a ray of sun

In a stormy sky

You shine on me

And I want to cry

Are you real

Are you really there

Or am I dreaming

I don’t care

Is it Ok to be alright

Is it Ok to have a friend

Is it ok to like myself

To be myself again, be myself again

The last thing I’ll say about this is this. If you’re lucky enough to not had to struggle with this in your life - power to you. Truly. If you have, or perhaps even do… I’ve found the most solid, and powerful path out of the hole has to do with a getting outside of yourself. This often means caring about and helping others. Maybe it means physically getting outside, and using your body. Mostly it means getting out of your head.

There is a Thai expression that I really like… but it took me a few years of hearing it before I understood it. They say “Yah kit maak”. That means “Don’t think a lot”. It doesn’t mean shut off your brain, or be stupid, it means “the key to happiness lies in acceptance, and in being in the moment.” Or… put another way. “in getting out of your head. Stop the spinning wheels. Get quiet. Help others. Feel love, give love, and embrace appreciation.” That’s the path I found anyway, and the one Mai takes in Dancing with Ghosts. Perhaps going on that journey with Mai, in a way that’s not too heavy, will help others feel encouragement and help them find confidence to be kind to themselves and give themselves permission to be happy.

That would be really awesome.